Where is my village?
You’ve had your baby. You’re in the thick of the newborn haze, soaking in the snuggles, healing your body. But your house is also a wreck, you’ve been eating takeout for weeks, and you don’t know the last time you showered. Perhaps your partner has returned to paid work (if they were able to get any time off at all) and you are spending hours alone, caring for a newborn. You might be wondering, at this point: “Where the heck is my village?”
The truth is, we used to raise our children in small villages. Babies were cared for, not just by their biological mother, but by a group of “allow parents” who would hold the baby, engage with them, and also help support the new mother as she recovered from birth and took on the full time job of body feeding her baby.
Now, we live in individual family units. Rarely do we live intergenerationally, and a lot of us have moved far away from our families of origin. So when we have a baby, our “village” is often just our partner and ourselves. All the support and childcare we’ve historically experienced is now provided by two people. It’s unsustainable.
We need a radical shift when it comes to raising children and caregiving. But how does that help you now, when you’re just trying to survive? How does you build your village?
There are many options for the modern parent without a village. Some free, some paid for. All require some measure of work on your part—difficult to undertake in this season of life, but necessary as you progress through your parenting journey. I’ve organized the below option by low lift, medium lift, and high lift, so that, whatever season you’re in, you can choose a way to build your village with the capacity that you have.
Low Lift
Find a Facebook moms group. You’re probably on your phone a lot right now anyway, and joining a local moms group on FB is something you can do without leaving the house. Even if you don’t have a local group, there are many out there, and they might even cover your particular flavor of parenting. Cloth diapering? There’s one for that. Practicing elimination communication? There’s groups for that. Bedsharing? Groups for that too! Virtual connection may not help do your laundry, but you’ll feel less alone. If you’re afraid of asking a question with an obvious answer, or for something you think you should know the answer to, loads of other parents have probably asked it before. Remember, our generation is least likely to have had any experience with newborn care before our own, so you’re not alone! You can also just lurk until you feel comfortable. Seeing other parents having the same questions and struggles you’re having can still help with your feeling of isolated.
Medium Lift
Do a search for children’s story hours near you. Libraries are often good places for this, and sometimes local coffee shops and restaurants host them as well. The best part is, most of these programs are free! It does require you to leave the house, but you’ll be among other parents who get it, and likely remember the season you’re in. Don’t be turned off by not seeing any other newborn parents, either! You’re not looking for a friend for your baby, you’re looking for a community for you. Make sure to attend regularly, and you’ll start to get to know some of your local parents. Don’t forget to ask for help—something as simple as “I like your stroller, where did you get it” can be a conversation starter. Or ask how they found babysitters, daycare, classes for their kids, etc. Most people are willing to offer advice or help, and if you encounter someone rude, just move on to the next person.
High Lift
Join a time-based new parent program. These are becoming more common as organizations are realizing that parents today don’t have a lot of experience in surviving the newborn stage. They are usually a few months in length, and you meet with the same people week after week. Often there’s a standard curriculum that goes with it, but there’s also time for parents to connect and discuss what issues they are having. You’ll meet with parents in the same stage you’re in, and you’ll usually find validation and bonding are easy to come by when everyone’s experiencing the same things at the same time! However, these programs are usually not free, although many offer sliding scales. And, if you’re facing a return to paid work, it might be more difficult to find time in your schedule to attend. However, many programs recognize this and schedule nights or weekends to accommodate, and since you can bring your baby, you don’t even need to worry about childcare!
And, if even the idea of joining a Facebook group feels overwhelming right now, you might consider hiring a postpartum care professional. There are virtual options, in-person options, and overnight options. Someone who comes to your house can help hold your baby while you shower or take a relaxing bath, help by organizing the mountains of tiny, adorable baby clothes, and even help you prep your meals. Or an overnight postpartum care professional can watch your baby overnight, either bringing baby to you for feeding or bottle-feeding to help you get some much needed rest. A virtual professional can be a sounding board and friendly ear, as well as someone to help you find local resources to start building your community.
