Am I bad mom?
We are taught from a young age that we can do anything we set our minds to. Women can have it all: career, family, and a loving partner. What we don’t get taught is how hard it is to have it all. Climbing the career ladder is hard. Finding a loving, equitable partnership is hard. And raising children without a village is hard. But we’re given this script that when we have children, we need to be everything for that child. We need to know everything there is to know about bottle feeding and chestfeeding and which is better and why pacifiers are bad but why they might also be good, and why daycare is bad for your kid but also if you stay at home you’re not a good role model for your kids, and that you need to buy all the right toys to engage your newborn but your house needs to be spotless. It’s an impossible goal to aim for. And the reason you feel like you’re running yourself ragged is simple: the standard for modern motherhood is physically and logistically unsustainable.
Every mom has had the experience of not sitting down to eat because you’re fetching things for the children, of praying for just ten minutes to take your first shower in days, of staring down a dark room at 2am too many days in a row with a child who needs you. We think that this is the norm, that this is what we signed up for, and the people around us do nothing to dissuade us of this. Isn’t that what parenting is all about, they ask. But the truth is you’re drowning in a system that puts the labor of four people on a single person.
You end up believing that you are a bad mom because you’re drowning. But let’s be clear: you know you need help, whether it be a housecleaner, a meal delivery service, a virtual assistant, a babysitter, or just someone to come sit with you while you fold yet another load of laundry, and needing that support does not make you a bad mom. It makes you a normal human being trying to survive when the expectations are unattainable.
How can you get that help? To start, figure out what expectations you can throw out. Is it easier to buy ready-made baby food instead of making your own? Do it. Chestfeeding not working and pumping is killing your mental health? Stop doing it. Can’t figure out the perfect eat sleep play schedule based on 6 different suggestions from 4 different websites? Just figure out what works best for you and your family.
Next, if you can afford to, figure out what you can outsource. No one said you have to make an organic meal from scratch every night to be the perfect mother. You don’t even need to do a full house reset every night before you go to bed. Sometimes a meal delivery services or a bi-weekly housecleaner will get you to good enough. Even just hiring a dog walker so that your dog doesn’t spend all evening whining at you because he’s understimulated can be helpful!
Finally, if the thought of sourcing a housecleaner or folding yet another load of laundry is too much, you might need professional support. Book a free discovery call with me, and I can help you build a system that works for you and your family!
And most of all, remember that you are a good mother.
