Is it normal to feel lonely after having a baby?

Having a baby should be the happiest time of your life, right? After 9-10 long months, several hours of labor, to say nothing of the planning you may have gone through to even get pregnant, your bundle of joy is finally here. But you feel…lonely. Why is that? And why does no one talk about it?

Birthing parents receive so much support during their pregnancy, especially if it’s a first pregnancy. There’s the doctor’s visits, the baby showers, the multiple gifts, the “just rest for a moment, you’re carrying a heavy load”. But when we give birth, all that support can dry up. You find yourself carting your new baby back and forth to doctor’s appointments while you get a 6 week checkup to make sure your stitches are healed and that you’re cleared for physical activity. You receive multiple visitors—who all just want to hold the baby while you wait on them. Your partner, especially if you’re body feeding, might feel like they’re useless since baby just wants you, and go back to paid work. Add in the stress of caring for a helpless, tiny human being, and the fact that most of us do not have a lot of caregiving experience to begin with, and it’s a recipe for loneliness.

It’s an unfortunate consequence of our Western, educated, industrialized, rich, democratic (WEIRD) society. We value independence and individualism more than community care, and as a result, a lot of people, especially following major life transitions like the birth of a child, end up feeling lonely with no idea why.

It’s because we were not meant to do this alone.

Multiple non-Western cultures celebrate the new mother as well as the new baby. They honor the fact that having a baby isn’t just a big deal for the baby, it’s a big deal for the mother, too. And the new mother needs support as she adjusts to her new role, but in our WEIRD society, she gets very little of that support.

So how can we fix this? Largely through systemic change, but on a small scale, it’s by advocating for what we need. We need to speak up and be specific about our needs.

“Can you bring us a meal this week? Tuesday or Thursday should work, if they work for you.”

“If you are going to the store, can you pick up a loaf of bread for me, please?”

“Can you come over and chat with me while the baby naps?”

“Let’s have a coffee date this weekend, and we can let the baby take a nap in the stroller while we drink our coffee and catch up.” -works for me friends and partners!

All of these invite community into your life. Sure, it’s not the full celebration of your new motherhood self that you deserve, but it does open the door, just a little bit, for people to see YOU, and see that you have needs too. And it starts you on the path to building your own village. By showing some vulnerability, and the willingness to advocate for yourself, you’re lighting the way for others to do the same.

Take that first, small step towards feeling less lonely. It’s not your fault we are this way, but you can help make a difference for yourself and others.